Jealousy - When is it Too Much?

Definition: what is jealousy?

Most people have felt jealousy or envy at least once in their life. This is a very strong and, above all, painful emotion that creates a certain fear or uncertainty that one could lose the full affection or attention of another person and thus receive less recognition and love than before. It uses jealousy for people and envy for things. These feelings are quite natural and are even present in infancy and in the animal world. However, when the feeling of jealousy gets out of hand, problems can arise because the cause is usually more in ourselves than in the other person. Sometimes it is also referred to as a positive feeling, as it helps one to recognize when someone is important to us.

Diagnosis - what is normal and when does it get too much?

There are three different degrees of severity of jealousy. The light form is the normal emotion that is meant to serve as a warning sign for us. In the case of moderate jealousy, a significant burden is noticeable and it is only possible to keep the feeling under control with great effort. However, if someone suffers from severe jealousy, it quickly happens that any reason, no matter how irrational, is sufficient to feel confirmed in your own assumptions.

Of course, there are situations when feeling jealous is perfectly justified. However, if the feeling takes on more and more space and overshadows hobbies or social contacts, this could be a sign that jealousy is rampant. Often times, the "person of desire" feels uncomfortable and constricted after a period of time, as severely jealous people often become dependent on a person they admire or whose affection they desire. If the privacy of the other is disregarded by monitoring and searching cell phones and computers, this also speaks for too much jealousy.

Is there a jealousy test?

There are numerous self-tests online on the subject of jealousy. While such tests can be a good way of reflecting on your thoughts and actions, the test result does not necessarily have to be true. It is important to talk to the person concerned about his jealousy and to find ways to control it or to get rid of it - if necessary with professional help with the help of a psychotherapist.

A more reliable source than online tests are partners or friends and family, who, on their own initiative or when asked, honestly describe their view of things. Depending on the situation, increased jealousy can also be normal, which cannot necessarily be reflected in a test.

How can you fight jealousy?

The feeling of jealousy is natural, but there is some level of distress for one of the parties involved should an attempt be made to find a strategy to deal with the jealousy. The most important step is the person's understanding that their jealousy is detrimental to good interpersonal relationships. In principle, one can bring the feeling under control, as long as it has not yet developed into a delusion and an insight is available.

The next step is to get to the bottom of the cause. This often has nothing to do with others, but with your own need to be loved or the fear of being abandoned. It is then important to accept yourself and possibly work up reasons from childhood or key experiences. These aspects can for example be taken up in the context of psychotherapy.

Furthermore, one should try to strengthen self-confidence and eliminate possible relationships of dependency on the partner. For this it can be helpful to develop social contacts or to find new hobbies.

Behavior therapy

If jealousy gets out of hand, cognitive behavioral psychotherapy may be necessary. This is especially true if the person concerned suffers from strong self-doubt and fear of loss, which put the relationship with the other person to the test. In behavior therapy you train self-confidence so that self-confidence is promoted and jealousy should be better controlled. This takes about 10 to 30 sessions lasting 50 minutes. The worse the jealousy, the more sessions will be needed.

Psychoeducation is also practiced. This means that the person concerned is informed about the origin and effects of the emotion. The evaluation of feelings and physical reactions is also reassessed by the therapy, so that the self-image is improved and one learns to deal better with the emotions. Behavioral therapy is a step in which one learns all the necessary techniques to cope with jealousy. The therapy serves as an aid to self-help. Those who are open and motivated for therapy can make a big difference and learn to deal with their feelings well.

For more information, see our main article: Behavior therapy

homeopathy

In homeopathy, attempts are made to get the feeling of jealousy under control by means of sodium muriaticum (also: sodium chloratum), pulsatilla or apis. Depending on the reason for the jealousy, another remedy is used. However, it should be noted that the homeopathic measures are not necessarily sufficient and psychotherapy may have to be started. On a trial basis, homeopathy can be tried out in light forms or in conjunction with therapy.

envy

The feeling of envy, like jealousy, is not abnormal and often occurs when one feels disadvantaged or when one discovers a deficiency in oneself because others have things that one would like to have oneself. Most envious people can be found in close social circles with friends and acquaintances. The object of desire can be very different. From a piece of chocolate to talents or successes to valuables, everything is possible.

There are three forms of envy. With destructive envy, those affected are so jealous that they would like to destroy the object of desire if they cannot own it, otherwise nobody should have it either. In comparison, those afflicted with depressed envy are so intimidated by the success of others that their self-esteem suffers and it hinders their pursuit of success. The opposite of this is positive envy, where the success of others is an incentive and motivating.

Associated Symptoms - Jealousy rarely comes alone

People who are jealous usually experience the painful feeling that makes them suspicious and question the actions of others. The greater the jealousy, the more likely the jealous person will act. Cell phones may be searched to find evidence or more control calls or messages may be sent. Some people who suffer from their strong jealousy begin to spy on the person they distrust in order to catch them red-handed, to weigh every word they say on the gold scales, or to ask acquaintances and friends about their behavior to get supposed clues .

In the worst case, increased jealousy can turn into jealous madness. The difference to a merely increased jealousy is that with a delusion one can no longer let go of the jealousy thoughts and usually distorted perceptions and ideas are unrealistic. Often the social environment cannot dissuade the person concerned from delusional thoughts of jealousy. However, such delusions are not particularly common and are more likely to occur in people with previous psychiatric illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder.

Fear of loss

Fear of loss describes the fear of losing things or people who have previously played an important role in a person's life. To a certain extent, these concerns are justified. It becomes problematic when the fear of loss becomes too strong, as those affected often burden their surroundings with their fears and cause stress. In doing so, they usually behave too clingy or obsessively, which, for example, can actually lead to the loss of a person. Those affected often do not notice that their convulsive behavior is the cause of the occurrence of the feared situation.

Anyone who grew up with their parents' fear of loss or was confronted with loss themselves can be prone to fear of loss. This also applies to people whose parents separated in childhood or whose feelings were not taken seriously by their parents.

You can find everything else on the subject at: Fear of loss

aggressive behavior

Apparently harmless jealousy can turn into violent behavior or abusive insults. In particular, jealous men tend to use violence out of frustration when their partner suspects misconduct. As a rule, this violence is rarely shown to the rival, but rather to the “object of desire” such as the partner. However, not every jealous person automatically becomes violent. It is often an indication of suppressed and pent-up frustration, which is fueled by the feeling of helplessness or incapacity to act and seeks an outlet. In such a case, psychotherapy should definitely be considered, as this suggests severe jealousy.

Please also read: How can you improve your stress resistance? or How can you reduce stress?

What is the best way to speak to someone about their jealousy?

There are different strategies for dealing with jealousy. Communication is important for a good relationship. This means that it is important to talk to each other and speak openly about problems and feelings, otherwise the other cannot know about them. However, if you notice that discussions and conversations are getting too heated, you should take a short break, since jealousy also increases the stress hormones in the body. A break can therefore be useful to lower the level of hormones so that you can continue talking with a cool head.

Also read: How can you reduce stress?

It does not make sense to make accusations and make the interlocutor feel that you are holding him responsible for everything. It is better to work with so-called I-messages by introducing the sentence with, for example, “I have the feeling that ...” and only reporting on your own perceptions and feelings. You relate the facts to yourself so that the other person does not feel attacked and is more open to discussions.

It can also help to discuss rules and boundaries together, which are described using concrete examples, so that both parties know when the other party feels uncomfortable or unsafe.

Forms of jealousy

Jealousy of one's own siblings

Children with siblings usually experience the feeling of jealousy for the first time in their lives in relation to their sibling. However, it is perfectly normal to have minor rivalries for parental affection. This is how children learn to deal with such social interactions and the needs of others. Ideally, parents should therefore involve the older sibling in the pregnancy before the new child is born and convey to them that they now have an important task as a big child. Nevertheless, it is not a cause for concern if children are sometimes jealous of one another, as long as this condition does not last too long.

If jealousies still exist when the siblings are older, the origin usually lies in an insecure bond with the parents in childhood, in which the child did not learn to blindly rely on a caregiver. Especially among twins or siblings in whom a child has received special attention through illness or success, there are sometimes rivalries that can fuel envy and jealousy. It is very important for parents to emphasize the strengths of the individual children and to divide their attention as equally as possible among the children.

also read: Attachment disorders

at the partner

In adulthood, the feeling of jealousy is mostly related to the partner. The fear of losing love and attention from the partner to another person or of being abandoned because one might not be worth enough is the cause of jealousy in the vast majority of cases. In many cases, however, the jealousy is due to misunderstandings in which the partner's point of view cannot be understood. It is therefore useful to share your own feelings so that the partner knows what the problem is and can be discussed.

Those who did not learn to form secure bonds in childhood or who have already had negative experiences in a relationship tend to be more critical of others and not be able to engage in trusting relationships as well.

Jealousy of the partner's past

Whether the partner has been unfaithful in the past or had many other achievements, these are all possible causes of jealousy and distrust in the relationship. What has passed is gone. Comparing yourself to your partner's previous relationships is in most cases of little help, as there are ultimately reasons why the relationships no longer exist in this form. Every person and therefore every relationship are different and therefore difficult to compare. The reason to look at the past anyway and to compare yourself with others is mostly due to your own insecurity. Here, too, it is helpful to address your own feelings and to strengthen your own self-confidence.

Jealous of the ex-partner?

If the ex-partner is in a new relationship, a feeling of jealousy can arise, regardless of whether you have been happy in your own relationship for a long time. This is because the ex-partner's new relationship partner is a competitor and now fills the role that you had in the past. The fear of being replaced by a better version gnaws at one's self-confidence and often leads to rejection of the competition and jealousy, regardless of how much you allow your ex-partner to be lucky. It can also be painful that the ex-partner has gotten over the mutual relationship and was able to develop an intimate relationship with another person. The ex now shares beautiful feelings and new memories that you once experienced together with someone else. That can hurt. Therefore one should try to give up the painful comparisons and concentrate on oneself.

Jealous of your best friend?

Jealousy and envy most often arise in people who are close to you. Reasons for being jealous of your best friend can include, for example, that she makes more money, has a cooler job, looks better, or is simply more lucky in life or relationships. All these things are very subjective and just because we want comparable conditions for ourselves does not necessarily mean that it is worth striving for, because appearance and reality are sometimes two different things. And who knows if you might not even be able to achieve it yourself? The best friend is not the enemy. It can therefore be useful to ask them for advice or help in order to achieve the same goal yourself.

However, sometimes you have to come to terms with the fact that others are more successful in some ways. Comparing yourself is not necessarily useful. Therefore, you should concentrate on your own strengths and build your own self-confidence.

Causes of jealousy

People with poor self-esteem or bad experiences in the past are more likely to become jealous. It does not matter whether you feel jealousy towards siblings, friends, competitors or in the context of a partnership. People with inferiority complexes often focus more on the relationship with their partner or another caregiver. If another person is seen as a competitor for this bond, a feeling of jealousy arises because there is a fear that they are no longer good or interesting enough.Even those who have been hurt in the past, have seen many breakups or have had insecure relationships since childhood, have often never learned to trust others completely and can therefore often not fully engage in a relationship with another person.

Please also read: Attachment disorder

In evolutionary biology, jealousy is also viewed as a necessity for the preservation of the human species. It is assumed that the man has the need to pass on his genetic make-up and only wants to raise his own children. If the woman is unfaithful, however, he will raise cuckoo children who cannot spread his genetic make-up. According to this theory, the woman is looking for a partner who will help her raise children and provide protection and food for the family. If the man is unfaithful, it is possible that the woman will have to take care of everything by herself. These evolutionary justifications refer to partnerships, but the feeling is always possible when another person plays a role in the relationship between two people.

Forecast - will jealousy go away at some point?

Jealousy can go away after a while, but it doesn't have to. That depends individually on the situation and the previous experience of everyone involved. Basically, it can be said that a child's jealousy of a sibling who supposedly receives more attention usually disappears when it notices that the parents continue to pay attention to it. In older children and adults, open conversations can help remove worries and make jealousy go away.

A slight jealousy can often be overcome through clarifying discussions. However, it is much more complicated for the moderate and severe forms. In case of doubt, professional help from a therapist, for example, can be sought. About every third to fourth couple who go to couples therapy is receiving treatment for problems caused by jealousy.